Mastermind
by HmGirly
Summary: People think it must be fun to be a super genius, but they don't realize how hard it is to put up with all the idiots in the world. Namely, Jack. Christmas present for BlueCupcakes.


**Disclaimer:** This story was the cause of a late night, so I take no responsibility for any complete crack that ensues. Oh, and... yeah. Don't own stuff.

**This is NOT my Secret Santa. Completely different story :D**

It's JackxAnn. -collective cheer- Yeah, there's not enough of this pairing around amongst the Graire and Kaire and Riclaire...

Hey, why is Claire getting so much more fic-time than Jack?!

Never mind.

And so the Christmas themed goodness begins! Britt, I hope you like it!

_People think it must be fun to be a super genius, but they don't realize how hard it is to put up with all the idiots in the world._ - Bill Watterson.

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_**Mastermind**_

I am, undoubtedly a genius.

It's not like I've taken any of those official certified tests or whatever, but I believe that when you're a true, honest-to-the-Goddess genius, tests can only do so much for you. Besides, I _think _I would know better than anyone else could – I don't need a piece of paper telling me the extent of my ability. Of course, I'm not a genius in the _conventional _sense – I can't draw, or play music, or recite pi to ten thousand places, but I think my work speaks for itself.

No, _I _was a matchmaking genius. And Christmas was my forte. Like the highest quality paints for an artist, or the very best clay for a sculptor – in my line of work, Christmas was second to nothing. Even the strictly romantic holidays never truly captured the fluffy, warm feeling of tinsel and stockings and carols all wrapped up into a neat little package. And tonight – Christmas Eve – it was more satisfactory than I can say to see the inn full of young couples, brought together through my tireless planning.

Sitting in the corner were Gray and Mary, my biggest accomplishment as of recent times. I'll tell you, getting those two together was hard for me – if I hadn't been here, I can assure you they would have both died old and alone. Without a doubt. But after several months of immense effort, there they were – sitting in _my _inn, on a _date_. Not really speaking to each-other now, but with a little time... maybe they'd eventually start making eye-contact, at least.

Then there was Tim and Elli. Boy, you wouldhave thought that'd be a lot easier – they lived together, they should have been able to work _something_ out! No matter – that's where I came in. It's clearly common sense; just slip the doctor something when he comes to the inn for dinner on his birthday – not something serious, of course, I'm not insane... anyway, his doting nurse looks after him until he's back to full health! I certainly wasn't regretting it, even though Tim hadn't spoken to me for a while since he somehow found out. I guess it's true what they say; the best criminals never try the same thing twice. But as I said, I'm not a criminal mastermind, I'm a matchmaking mastermind. And it wasn't all bad – even now, I was giggling as Doctor poked at his meal suspiciously and shot me equally suspicious glares. So paranoid.

Rick and Karen... that relationship made me downright happy. It was easier than the others – not much of a challenge, to my dismay – but they looked so comfortable with each-other. Karen giggling hysterically and swaying in place, hopefully because Rick had said something funny... Rick watching in rapture as she sculled another bottle of wine without a thought... truly, the stuff dreams were made of. I could already picture the end of the night... Rick, showing chivalry as always, struggling to carry an undoubtedly wasted Karen home and leave her with her parents.

Granted,_ that _could be more romantic. Note to self: 'mysteriously' run out of alcohol.

And finally, Cliff and Popuri... sitting on a table right in the middle of the room while Popuri chattered away and Cliff absorbed himself by staring right into the depths of his wine glass. That relationship had been surprisingly easy, too – all I had to do was convince Popuri that she shouldn't have to wait around for Kai three seasons of the year. And... convince Cliff that contrary to popular belief, just because she had red eyes and a _slightly _over-the-top personality, Popuri wasn't necessarily the spawn of Satan. I'm not sure if he ever fully believed me, but eh. I wasn't the Goddess – I was just a mortal. Just a mortal with an extremely powerful gift.

Whistling cheerfully and flicking a dishcloth to wipe up a spill on the bar, I caught Dad looking particularly forlorn as he approached me. My brow pulled together in concern – he was probably missing Mom; it got pretty bad around the holidays. He'd probably do better if he had someone new in his life, but I was _so _not matchmaking for my Dad. Gross.

"Why are you working tonight, Ann? Shouldn't you be at one of those tables with a boy, instead?"

"Aw... Dad, not this again," I begged as I threw my hands over my ears.

"I'm serious! I don't understand why you won't have a boyfriend. Cliff was keen on you – you could have had him, if you wanted –"

"But I didn't," I snapped. Guilt set in as my dad's face fell, so I forced myself to smile. "It's okay... I mean, you're my dad. Of course you're going to be concerned... but I guess none of those guys appealed to me. I'm in no hurry to settle down. Grandchildren will come in time, don't worry."

"Ann," he scoffed defensively, "If you really think that all I care about is getting grandchildren... I... well!" I raised an eyebrow and he glanced at the ground. "Yeah, okay. Go take some orders."

The boyfriend talk was getting worryingly common lately. It wasn't that Dad was trying to pressure me or anything; he just didn't getit. I didn't _want_ any of the boys in Mineral Town, except maybe –

No-one. _No-one_. No – ugh. What was he doing here?

"Hey Ann," Jack called out, walking right up to the counter and propping himself up with one elbow. "How's your night been?"

"Fine," I said, my voice coming out too quickly. I had to resist the urge to smack my palm to my forehead – of all the people I didn't want to see tonight, I really, really did want to see him. _Didn't! DIDN'T want to see him!_

"Why are you working on Christmas Eve? How come you don't have a date, Ann?" Of all the nerve! See, it was upfront questions like that. That was what made me uncomfortable around him.

My eyes narrowed into a glare, I retorted, "How come you don't?"

"Don't want one." He said it so simply, like it was something obvious. Like I was an idiot just for asking, when he'd been the one to ask in the first place – augh!

"Well then, neither do I." I walked a little further down the bar under the pretence of cleaning up nonexistent spills.

"Why are you so defensive?"

I threw the cloth down on the floor and whirled to face him. "I AM NOT DEFENSIVE!!!"

The entire room went silent and glanced up at me, probably puzzled over the complete irony of what I'd just done. After all, you didn't generally believe a girl when she had a physical, albeit miniature, temper tantrum in the middle of a public place – defensively defending the fact that she apparently wasn't being defensive to begin with. I held back an exasperated noise and stormed into the kitchen.

_He_ really didn't need to push me far at all before I snapped, and I couldn't for the life of me work out why I let him get to me so much. He was just some stupid boy who fancied himself better than everyone else, and my conversations with him rarely ended well – but I still kept having conversations with him. I _tried _to avoid them, I did – and they never lasted long, usually thanks to me storming out on him – but I kept coming back to be annoyed again and again. And may I say, it sucked.

I'd never really thought about it before, but I had one small reason to thank the guy. I'd only found my talent for matchmaking when the dark-haired farmer came into town a few seasons ago. All of a sudden, I was just really interested in setting all the girls up with other guys. I guess I'm just too generous; I wanted everyone to have someone –

Okay, okay, so I hadn't set up _everyone _in Mineral Town. There was, obviously, Jack... but I really didn't want to set him up with anyone. Who would I wish that on? He was... obnoxious and sarcastic and he told _really _bad jokes that _really _weren't funny. Not to mention how cute – LALALALALA. Bad thoughts! Ignore, Ignore!

Ahem. Like I was saying, I wouldn't wish him on any girl – any girl... who... wasn't... me?

Dammit. Curse my over-active brain. I can't leave it switched on for too long without having an epic realisation. _Ugh_.

So... maybe I was a _little _bit attracted to him, just because my own brain hates me and enjoys punishing me in the most twisted, horrific ways possible. And a crush on Jack _was _horrific, no matter what else you might say about it. Nyeh. This was not what I should be thinking about at this moment – I needed to work, I needed to make sure my perfect couples didn't fall apart! I needed... I needed...

"Ann."

"Get out!" I shot back immediately, not exactly sure why I'd said it. Hadn't I just worked out that I didn't want him going anywhere?

_Oh please, it's a slight attraction! That doesn't mean you can't completely __**loathe **__the man's very existence!_

"I want to apologize." Yeah, I bet he – wait. Say what? I blinked at him in complete bewilderment, unsure what to do now. His face was serious now; it was doing absolutely nothing to calm the butterflies in my stomach. Forget Jack, the only person I should be loathing is myself. "Believe it or not, I didn't come here tonight just to stir you... no matter how amusing that always turns out to be."

I kept my gaze semi-steady, hoping to the Goddess that he didn't glance down and see my knees shaking. It was stupid; completely ridiculous – and you can point the finger at Christmas spirit for the insane thoughts rushing through my brain – but holy moly, he was attractive right now.

"About me not being on a date tonight, Ann," he began slowly. Curse those gorgeous eyes. Curse them to the fiery depths of hell. "It's... it's not really that I don't want one – it's more that I _only _want _one_."

Uh-oh. He was going to murder me. I'd bet anything it was Karen he was talking about – tough break, buddy. "Is... the girl... taken? Because that's probably my fault, you know."

"Goddess, Ann! Don't be dumb!" He approached me quickly, almost aggressively – I didn't step back, but I'm willing to admit that I flinched. He could be intimidating, okay?! "No. No, she's not on a date tonight, either – she _doesn't want one_, actually." Well, that was just... preposterous! Was he implying that I'd missed someone? Oh _hell_ no, he wasn't going to insult my matchmaking system. I knew for a fact that _every _young girl in Mineral Town was on a date tonight, and if he said anything different, I was going to sock him one. What could possibly make him –

Oh. _Oh_. Duh.

... You know all that stupid romance-y crap? About how, when someone kisses you and you're really right for each-other, you get fireworks and ponies and birds and stars and bells and rainbows and glitter and sparkles and floating love hearts and kittens and all that other sickly sweet stuff? Well, I never believed in that. I'm sorry; never believed in that until _now_. It was as sickly sweet and lovely and romantic as people always said – the weird thing was that I actually _liked _it.

He pulled back from me too quickly, brushing my cheek with his thumb and using his super-eyes to melt me into a puddle of Ann. I'd dwell on the fact that I'd kissed my sworn mortal enemy _later_; right now I was kind of focussed on the fact that I'd kissed the most painfully good-looking guy in existence.

"Merry Christmas," he said, always as cliché as humanly possible. He winked at me and smirked. _Then_ completely _trashed _the romantic cliché, which I actually hadn't minded all that much, thank you, by _turning around and walking straight out the door._

That bastard.

I stood stunned for a few moments, staring blankly at the kitchen door – which swung back and forth a few more times before coming to an eventual stop – my thoughts all jumbled up and colliding with each-other in an effort to make it to my brain first. Only one had been successful so far; 'That bastard' the only two words I could think. What was he – who did he – why would he – ha?

If there's one thing that no man should ever do, no matter _how _stupid he may be... it's screwing with the heart of an evil, matchmaking mastermind. No man who wanted to live, I should say. I didn't need weapons – my fists could do more damage than any knife or frying pan – well, actually... hmm. Wait.

And that was how a redhaired waitress ended up running through the main area of a busy inn while clutching a frying pan. I didn't think twice as I pushed open the double doors with my shoulder and ran out, glancing from side to side furiously before heading straight towards Jack's farm. If he had any sense he would have deadlocked the doors, but I was pretty sure I could kick them down regardless. To my complete shock, however – and disappointment; property damage would have been pretty awesome – Jack was leaning casually against the fence at the front of his property – waiting for me? That made it WORSE!

"You will regret this day for the rest of your miserable life, Jack," I told him through gritted teeth. He grinned at me; definitely not the most intelligent thing mankind has ever done.

He was being Smirky McSmirk with me, and I came _very _close to removing said smirk with my frying pan. He saved himself when he started to speak. "It took longer than I thought; I'll give you that much."

"How could you just leave?!" I burst out incredulously, more hurt and embarrassed than I'd care to admit. It was only occurring to me now that maybe I was a reallybad kisser, and I'd be... beyond mortified if he actually came out and said that to my face right now.

"So you _did _want me to stay."

Huh?

Oh my freaking... that was a joke, right? But the smirk remained on his face, and I realised all too late that he'd been _testing _me. "Of all the cocky, _arrogant _jerks I've ever met –"

"– You love me the most?"

"JACK!" My breathing was becoming too loud in my anger; my available hand was clenching and unclenching in complete rage – or disbelief. Words were not coming easily – or at all, really – I was more or less choking on my own anger, blinking at him in frustration and digging my nails in my palm as I tried to stop the hormonal teenager inside me from squealing at how _hot _he was. _We just kiiiissed that, _she taunted me in a sing-song voice. For pete's sake, I was supposed to be incomprehensibly furious at him right now!

"You're cute when you're angry –"

"So? You're cute all the time!" Aw, crap. That was meant to be a planned out, well-executed insult, but the hormonal teenager had opened her mouth instead of letting me open mine. Well... I'd shouted it like an insult; maybe he took the tone without paying any attention to the words. And again, no such luck. Jack raised an eyebrow as he came over to me from the gate, stopping just short of where my frying pan could take a swing. So he was smarter than I'd given him credit for.

"Do you think I'm cute, Annie?"

"No!"

"You want me to kiss you again?"

I gaped at him for a few moments, and I swear I _totally _intended on smacking his stupid irresistable face. But then my shoulders slumped, I shrugged, and the teenager was controling my mouth again. "... Kinda."

Well, I won't make anyone gag by going into the details – we'll just say the second time was way longer than the first, and even more... fun, if that's how you'd explain it. Jack was a _good_ kisser, and – well, no matter what my doubts were before, I can only assume that it would come naturally to a matchmaking genius such as myself, right? That doesn't mean I wasn't blushing like a tomato through the _whole thing_, but... eh. And this time when we pulled away, Jack didn't bail – he did the good old-fashioned, horribly corny thing.

"I hope it's not too late for me to take you out to dinner? I saw a few spare tables in there – only problem is that their waitress totally fell head-over-heels for me, so that could be a problem."

It was only after I'd smacked him and he'd led me back up in the direction I'd come from, holding my hand, that I realised my poor frying pan had been long abandoned somewhere on the snowy ground. But that wasn't really a problem.

I'd just get it tomorrow. Because I would most _definitely_ be coming back.

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**Hee! I think I've converted myself to a Jack/Ann fangirl. Once I started writing this, I kind of sort of couldn't stop :)**

**So once again, I hope Britt and all you others enjoyed it – leave me a review; tell me what you think. And, of course, Merry Christmas in a couple of weeks! :D**


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